I'm trying to get back to writing again. I'm really trying to do a lot of things, things that aren't really compatible. I'm trying to keep my sanity but I'm trying to keep my emotions in check. I'm trying to keep the faith but I'm constantly questioning it. I'm trying to be upbeat/not depressed but I'm trying to grieve. I'm trying to give 100% at my job and I'm trying to give 100% to studying for the Bar. (Seriously, if anyone can tell me how to do those two simultaneously I'd be eternally grateful.) I'm trying to focus on working on myself but I'm also trying to focus on being open to new relationships. The list could go on. In short, I'm trying to live a normal 20-something life for others and myself (I'm not sure which I care about more) when really my life is anything but normal and most days I just want to lie in bed and be left alone. I feel like I've been stuck in the same cycle since all the way back in 2003.
Here's a secret, I was depressed, like really depressed, for about two years in college. How could that possibly be a secret you ask? Well, my mom knew and my boyfriend at the time knew, but that's about it. How do you hide something like that? Well, I was highly motivated not to let anybody know. I didn't really have any close friends at college at the time, I'm sure that wasn't helping with the whole depression thing, but I digress. I was the girl who smiled all the time in high school, not the most popular, or the prettiest, or the best dressed, as reflected by GPA maybe one of the smartest, but my claim to fame was being nice, friendly, sweet. Maybe even funny if you really got to know me. I drew people in with that. No one wants to spend time with the depressed girl so I hid it, even from my best friends. I'm sure if they read this they will probably be shocked. But from 2003-2004, there were periods when I was away at school, where I literally didn't do anything except go to class (never missed a class because I felt down, that was the only thing I really cared about) and eat, if I even bothered to do that, and lay in bed and sleep, A LOT. In fact, on weekends when I didn't see my boyfriend I might come back from class on Friday, climb in my bed and pretty much stay there for 24 hours, sleeping, sometimes crying (but I'm not much of a crier, that's another blog for another day), thinking, and watching Cartoon Network (because cartoons made me nostalgic, which in turn, made me feel better). Then I'd go get something to eat or order it and continue the cycle for the rest of the weekend. There were no Emory friends to miss me and I had a single occupancy dorm room. Most of my friends were too busy with their first year of college to call much or return my calls when I called them, although I did have a faithful AIM crew. The only real challenge was sounding upbeat whenever my mom would call or when I'd see her since I went to school in the city and the same goes for my boyfriend. As I stated, they found out, largely because I saw them all the time.
At this point you're probably thinking, were you really depressed, or were you just homesick and lonely, perhaps having a hard time adjusting to being a college student/quasi-adult? Well, technically I was never diagnosed as depressed, because I was too ashamed to go to the counseling center to try to figure out what the problem was. I didn't want to go to the counseling center because it was tragically located right in the center of campus. Seriously, if you ever wanted to discourage young adults from getting help, please put the center in a building in the middle of campus that everyone regularly visits. I also didn't want to be labeled as "crazy" and I certainly didn't want them to suggest that I just pop some pills to feel better. I decided I'd just work at it on my own. In the meantime, I still organized all the group outings for my high school friends, called everybody on their birthday, and went above and beyond to seem the same as I'd always been, so no one would know and it was exhausting.
What's the point of this story? The point is this, lately I've been getting a lot of feedback about seeming sad or morose. I've had a rough year. Honestly, I've had a rough few years. I was depressed in 2003-2004, I lost my mom in 2006, my grandmother was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer in 2009, and my father and grandmother passed away in 2010. In addition to that, I have the normal stressors that people my age deal with: relationship issues, struggles with faith, trying to jumpstart a career, and managing finances. I'm not going to pretend like I'm something I'm not. If I'm in a good mood, I'm in a good mood. If I'm not, I'm not. And if you can't deal with it, I'm not pretending for you or anybody else, that's so 2004.
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